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  • katerinaellam

Toxic relations, criticism, and boundaries.

Recently I came across several posts criticizing how much criticism has spread around))) About how to get rid of “toxic” people in your environment, how to “competently” set boundaries and defend them, that you must be able to say “no”. Such criticism of the critics.)))

I read and smile.

But actually, it's not funny. Having picked up a wave of such posts, clients come to me who fenced themselves off from the world with all sorts of borders, bristled like hedgehogs, in a belligerent readiness to defend them, dispersed all the "toxic" acquaintances in the foreseeable radius that could be dispersed, but this did not bring them any feeling satisfaction, no ease of communication.

I will put everything in order, as I like)

First, about such posts. If, while reading such a message, you feel inside a wave of "righteous" anger and a desire to pull out the sword and cut to the right and left "enemies" who tease, offend and rude to someone "unfortunate", then I suggest that you have to immediately stop reading this and switch to something more useful, like an English dictionary.)))

The authors of such a post (consciously or not) rely on this emotional response of yours, cling to it, and steal your time and attention - and these are the 2 most valuable resources in your life. Decide for yourself, do you really want to waste them?

The second point, why do such posts cling to us? Because so many of us really do not know how to interact with criticism and manipulation in communication, we ourselves often find ourselves either in the role of the offended or the offender, so they easily cling to the familiar pain.

Advice, getting rid of toxic people in your environment is of very dubious benefit. You can't get rid of everyone around you. And what if the "toxicity" from time to time is shown by people with whom we are generally normal or there is no way to "get rid" of them at the moment? What if, armed with such a strategy, we begin to ruin the relationship, and then we regret it and feel guilty?

Have you noticed that all these actions are aimed at correcting the situation outside, at other people around you? Such efforts will almost always be in vain because we cannot remake the existing reality around us except one small but very important part of this reality - ourselves.

I help my clients learn how to deal with criticism. Find the reasons for your painful reaction to external criticism, stop the flow of self-criticism, learn to distinguish constructive feedback from manipulation and aggression, and train a stable internal state of integrity and self-sufficiency. And then you will not need to erect borders, defend or hide from contacts, get rid of someone and be in a state of anxiety and constant expectation of an attack.

Very often, the roots of a painful attitude towards external criticism go deep into our childhood. Parents, struggling to make us better, and not realizing the consequences for the child's psyche, abuse criticism, derogatory comparisons, labelling and do not attach importance to praise, do not pay enough attention to positively supporting the child's success.

I can say that almost every one of my clients has difficult relationships with their parents, they feel resentment towards their parents, irritation, continue to suffer from their manipulations even as adults. Do you think their parents are monsters? No, they are the nicest people, and they also suffer from the fact that they have "problem" children. Just kidding, but in fact, it is very sad that we have accumulated so much misunderstanding, rejection, claims, obligations and expectations between the closest people. Meanwhile, while these parties are in the process of internecine wars, the younger generation is watching the hostilities and imperceptibly absorbing the usual communication strategies, and then transferring them into their family life, finding partners with whom these scenarios will be repeated.

Aggression always breeds aggression.

And the Universe always provides us with what we want (even if it seems to us that it is not). Therefore, if you have strengthened your borders and vigilantly guard them in full combat readiness, then this is a clear signal for the Universe that you are waiting for an attack, and it will graciously organize it for you. This, in turn, will give you even more confidence that strong borders are absolutely necessary for you, and you will invest even more time and energy in building up your combat capability. This escalation can only be stopped by laying down arms and believing in the power of love and in the fact that there are no “enemies” around. It may sound pathetic, but it's actually not an easy task. We are not talking about bliss, but about building up real strength of mind, which allows you to accept and skip other people's manifestations of weakness and cowardice (and this is the real basis of external criticism, backbiting and aggressiveness) without condemnation and arrogance, out of that love that has tremendous healing and creative power.

Saying “no” from such a state becomes easy and natural because this “no” does not come from resistance and a desire for revenge, but from a deep understanding of one's goals and needs.

It turns out that it is not necessary to live in a state of confrontation. If you have a desire to improve your relationships with loved ones, stop hurting yourself and hurting others, then there is good news for you - the method of RTT (Rapid Transformational Therapy) works very effectively with such requests. Come and open the doors to a relationship free from criticism, manipulation and violence with your loved ones.

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